How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
