I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
