"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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