I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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