new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
