I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize