someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
