Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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