So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I faked an abortion last night.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
