Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
