My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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