Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
