I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
