are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
