any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I deserve this hangover.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
