hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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