I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
