My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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