Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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