I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Welp...herpes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
