I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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