so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
