I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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