No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
