At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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