I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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