Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize