Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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