walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
