It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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