Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
