just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize