When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How does one acquire holy water?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
