I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
3pm strippers are depressing
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
