I would go down on you faster than GM stock
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
