The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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