I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
