Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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