so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
