Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
