oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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