I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
