mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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