someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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