is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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