Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
