Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
