I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
