He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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