First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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