Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he shaved USA in his pubs
the day after is always just damage control
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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