i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
