I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
this boner is exhausting
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
