if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she woke up with a sticky ear
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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