Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
