i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
