my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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