All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
