He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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