I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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