You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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