My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
