just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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