the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
