you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
